I'm sure many of you have read the email titled "Birth Order" that describes the progressive declining behavior/anal-ness of parents as they have more children. I think this email is hilarious because like most things that are funny- it rings very true- especially for me. I have posted it here for your reading pleasure. I have also added a few more that I have discovered as the number of my offspring has increased and the expectations I have for them and myself has decreased.
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3 rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!______________________________________________________
Here is where my own begin:
1st child: Bath time is a special daily bonding time with all kinds of toys and extreme monitoring of temperature.
2nd child: Baths are an every other day occurence with whatever toys haven't been lost yet.
3rd child: 3 times a week is plenty for baths and the temperature is only checked when someone yells, "Its too hot, Mom!"
4th child: Saturday night baths for sure and the 4th child knows how start their own bath, undress themselves and find their own toys to put in.
Dealing with owwies:
1st child: Lots of hugs, anti-septic wipes, band-aids with characters and kissing of the owwie.
2nd child: A hug, a character band-aid and a kiss.
3rd child: A plain band-aid (You've wised up to the fact that if you buy band-aids with characters, they are used for everything but their intended purpose.) and a kiss
4th child: Kisses their own owwie better.
1st child: Very strict control and no more than the recommended 2 hours a day.
2nd child: Allowed to earn more TV time by playing outside and can watch the occassional movie.
3rd child: Can watch as much as they want as long as it is on PBS.
4th child: Can work the DVD player at 2.
1st child: Consult everyone, read all the books and have all sorts of incentives and motivators. Purchasing the "big boy pants" or "big girl panties" is a day that is heralded as a monumental benchmark in childhood- right up there with the first lost tooth or even graduation.
2nd child: "I know I read a book about potty-training- what was it again?" Throw some underwear in the cart next time you're at Target.
3rd child: By now you know the signs of the child being ready to potty-train and only start when you see them. Oh wait, you forgot to buy new underwear. Guess it'll have to wait until next week.
4th child: Hold out a used pair of holey underwear and tell/threaten your toddler that they can wear these if they promise the training won't take more than a day.
1st child: Great lengths are taken to teach the ABCs taking into account the potential learning modalities of the child- tactical tracing, songs, computer games, books,art activites all about each letter.
2nd child: "I know I bought some books about each letter- Where are they?"
3rd child: It counts as being read to if the 1st child reads to the 3rd child- right?!?
4th child: Can sing this without you being able to recall ever teaching it to them:
1st child: Vast repertoire of lullabies sung to the child at bedtime or anytime.
2nd child: Sing a song or two at bedtime.
3rd child: Sing themselves to sleep.
4th child: Sings this instead of lullabies:
In case you can't make this out- that is our two year old singing the chorus to "We Will Rock You" by Queen- complete with the sound effect of the percussions-"bump, bump, pish". We're so proud!