Friday, May 1, 2009

Birth Order Revised

I'm sure many of you have read the email titled "Birth Order" that describes the progressive declining behavior/anal-ness of parents as they have more children. I think this email is hilarious because like most things that are funny- it rings very true- especially for me. I have posted it here for your reading pleasure. I have also added a few more that I have discovered as the number of my offspring has increased and the expectations I have for them and myself has decreased.
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3 rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance!______________________________________________________
Here is where my own begin:
Bath time:
1st child: Bath time is a special daily bonding time with all kinds of toys and extreme monitoring of temperature.
2nd child: Baths are an every other day occurence with whatever toys haven't been lost yet.
3rd child: 3 times a week is plenty for baths and the temperature is only checked when someone yells, "Its too hot, Mom!"
4th child: Saturday night baths for sure and the 4th child knows how start their own bath, undress themselves and find their own toys to put in.

Dealing with owwies:
1st child: Lots of hugs, anti-septic wipes, band-aids with characters and kissing of the owwie.
2nd child: A hug, a character band-aid and a kiss.
3rd child: A plain band-aid (You've wised up to the fact that if you buy band-aids with characters, they are used for everything but their intended purpose.) and a kiss
4th child: Kisses their own owwie better.

TV viewing
1st child: Very strict control and no more than the recommended 2 hours a day.
2nd child: Allowed to earn more TV time by playing outside and can watch the occassional movie.
3rd child: Can watch as much as they want as long as it is on PBS.
4th child: Can work the DVD player at 2.

Potty-training:
1st child: Consult everyone, read all the books and have all sorts of incentives and motivators. Purchasing the "big boy pants" or "big girl panties" is a day that is heralded as a monumental benchmark in childhood- right up there with the first lost tooth or even graduation.
2nd child: "I know I read a book about potty-training- what was it again?" Throw some underwear in the cart next time you're at Target.
3rd child: By now you know the signs of the child being ready to potty-train and only start when you see them. Oh wait, you forgot to buy new underwear. Guess it'll have to wait until next week.
4th child: Hold out a used pair of holey underwear and tell/threaten your toddler that they can wear these if they promise the training won't take more than a day.

Learning:
1st child: Great lengths are taken to teach the ABCs taking into account the potential learning modalities of the child- tactical tracing, songs, computer games, books,art activites all about each letter.
2nd child: "I know I bought some books about each letter- Where are they?"
3rd child: It counts as being read to if the 1st child reads to the 3rd child- right?!?
4th child: Can sing this without you being able to recall ever teaching it to them:


Lullabies:
1st child: Vast repertoire of lullabies sung to the child at bedtime or anytime.
2nd child: Sing a song or two at bedtime.
3rd child: Sing themselves to sleep.
4th child: Sings this instead of lullabies:

In case you can't make this out- that is our two year old singing the chorus to "We Will Rock You" by Queen- complete with the sound effect of the percussions-"bump, bump, pish". We're so proud!

16 comments:

Jennifer Never said...

She kills me! I love it. Fun post...so so true ALL OF IT!

Thelissa said...

I love the whole thing, but her singing is super cute.

kjirsten said...

THAT IS SO FUNNY!!! . . . The post AND little rockin' Susie (loved the percussion)! I LOVED the list . . . it is TOO true, unfortunately -- but at least it's a fairly universal decline and we have others who can relate, and find humor in it. (makes us feel a little more normal :)

Natalie said...

I have an addition
1st child-you keep up to date on all their firsts, first tooth, first word and fill it out in their baby book religiously
5th child-the child actually fills out the baby book.
I love the Suze's singing!

Lori said...

What a darling little girl your baby has become! Love the songs!

Liz said...

I really must say, Her version of we will rock you was the BEST!!!! I really laughed out loud. Way to Go SuperMOM!!!!

Allison said...

I've read most of that in am email before but I so enjoyed reading it again. How true it is, and I am only on child #2! Cute little Suzie Q with her bump, bump, pish... I love it!

Amber Ro said...

As always, your wit and humor make me chuckle the day away. Little Suzie is so stinkin' smart. American Idol here she comes!

Liz said...

I taught my first kid to kiss his own owwies. How bad am I? Love your post.

Kate said...

awesome!

The Christensens said...

How true it is! I'm glad I'm not the only slacker mom. Grant's favorite songs are Go Diego Go! and Bob the Builder, so you can tell what he does to keep himself entertained. Love the new picture!
Thanks again for having Grace - she had a fabulous time!

SevenVillageIdiarts said...

I think yours are even funnier than the original. Loved it. And that is one cute 2 year old.

Stacey said...

I may only be a few weeks into life with 3 kids, but all I can say is AMEN. I especially agree with your bathtime additions...

Julie said...

I think you're great! (Notice my correct spelling!)

Sestra Robbins said...

You are spot on and from Natalie's comment all us multi children Moms can relate!!

Margie said...

Oh...I miss seeing my little Suzie. She is quite the singer. Right on pitch. You can't understand many of the letters but she keeps the melody going. As the Larsons would say, "Boy, has she got a good ear!" Sure love ya!